Just really angry at myself this morning. I could've said angry at some other people, but when it comes down to it, I'm not angry at them. I mean, I have to be honest about it. I was thinking at first that it was about the other people, but Spirit led me down a path--nothing unusual--and I understood that it was definitely about me.

I know my thoughts attract my reality. And truly, my thoughts have been mostly about "lack" lately. I'm aware of it, too, and it's like I need to be in this place, even though it causes me pain and challenges. Just like, about a week ago, watching the one LifeBliss video helped me to understand that I come from a place "I'm not enough." That realization brought me to tears, and I know why it's that way for me.

I really need to discipline myself to a positive place either most of the time or all of the time. I'm not sure how to do that, but I will say this:

To all the divine beings, my helpers, my angels, everyone all around me who can assist me to a brighter place of Light: I ask for your help in achieving a more Loving attitude--towards all beings, and towards myself. And help me to relax into your guidance. I thank you for everything you have done for me, and I thank you for all the successes you will help me to gain.


PS--I'm feeling better now :-)

Sometimes I really feel like going off into a cave somewhere and escaping.

Authentic

I've been thinking about authenticity this morning. I started this blog to give myself a place to vent; I tend to keep lots of things to myself and so when the straw comes that breaks the camel's (my) back, I don't release in a really dramatic way, but it's definitely more intense than usual. An example is a couple of days ago, after a several-day period of financial stresses. A certain issue came up and I pretty much "let go;" a little later, Renee commented that I "always get so mad," meaning that when I do get angry, I get very angry. And yes, she's right.

So if this is the case, what's the use of doing this blog? If I put up a facade, where is my release when I need it?

Yesterday I was talking to someone very near and dear to me; even though I may say nothing, this person is able to know when things are on my mind and bothering me--not all the time, but sometimes. We were talking about that yesterday and they said that unless I bring it up, they don't feel it's appropriate to mention anything because they believe that it's not their business unless I tell them about it.

It's just that I have trouble letting my guard down because such things have caused me troubles in the past. But then again, look--I'm still here and kicking. And really, when I do have challenges, they help me to get stronger. Difficulties may not be fun, but the end result is a good thing.

So seriously: should I shy away from hardship, especially when I know it makes me better in more ways than one? Of course not! And really, dealing with troubles makes such things easier as life goes along. It's kind of like playing an instrument--the more you do it, the better you get at it.

So okay, let's see how good I can get at authenticity!

Namaste'

I haven't been here in a few days.

Seems like my life has been pretty chaotic and challenging, especially in the money area. I'm hoping for some relief in the next few days, so I can breathe more easy!

I had ordered a couple of books written by Swamiji (Paramahamsa Nithyananda) and received them this past week. Honestly, I haven't read too much of them, but my plan is to really delve into them in the next few days. I've gotten a little started on the first book, which is about 400 pages, and I'm hoping to finish it by the end of next week. One thing I read today is regarding the "hamsa" meditation, which is very simple and is supposed to help you take control of fear in your life. On the inhale, you quietly say "ham" and on the exhale, you quietly say "sah." It can be something you do all the time, not just when you're doing a focused meditation. I've started doing it.

Something else I've been doing is focusing on more exercise. In our city, to drink tap water is not suggested, as its flavor is just horrible. Because of this, a lot of people get their water from water dispensers around the city; it varies from 20 cents to 30 cents per gallon. So what I've been doing is walking to a water dispenser, which is about a mile away from my home, and refilling just one gallon. I haven't done it every day, but I've done it several times this week. This way I am exercising my legs and my arms and I'm not being so lazy!

I have to admit that I've been getting very frustrated by my life situation over the past few days. Just doesn't seem like I'm getting a lot of help here at home--I'm getting some, but not as much as I need and/or want. I despise being taken for granted, and that's what I've been perceiving--that I'm being taken for granted. I know I should be sending money to my parents for rent, but it's not working out, and that really bothers me. I so want to be making more money---I'd love it to be just me and Jason here at home (even if that means not having a car)---I'd really like to just have peace.

Inner Awakening is really on my mind. I should just sign up and leave the "hows" to the Universe. I keep on saying or thinking that, but I also keep on not doing it.

ET Stuff

I feel a huge draw to the subject of extra terrestrials. I love the movie "Contact" and am pretty much instantly sucked into anything having to do with beings from other planets coming to planet Earth. I don't like the idea of those beings having malevolent intentions; from my perspective, if they're advanced enough to have the technology to come the huge distance between their planet to this planet, then they're also advanced enough to be of Love.

I feel like I have ET roots somehow. I know that may sound crazy and/or weird, but I really do. I've looked at the questionnaires that are supposed to be able to say whether or not a person has ET roots ("star seed" or whatever), and I don't do too well on those. It's just an inner knowing; that's all I have. But honestly, that's enough for me. It's like some people say--your inner Truth is what you should trust. And yes, I do.

I've been checking out various ET races that are supposed to be here; my biggest focus lately is the Arcturians. There's a guy on YouTube who is supposed to be an embodied Arcturian. He's a teenager and quite wise. He's not flashy or anything like that about his experiences or his abilities, but he's not shy about discussing them. His YouTube ID is Arcturus Ant and if you're the least bit curious, I suggest you take a look at his channel.

There's a documentary that's recently been released called "Sirius." It's about different things that the U.S. government has been hiding from the general public, to include interaction with ET's. I haven't seen it yet, but I probably will be watching it within the next few weeks. I understand there's quite a bit of scientific research to back up what's revealed in this movie. Here's a trailor for it:



And this is a link to a website that takes the movie and goes further.

Have fun with it!

Poem (Untitled)

there is Spirit here
it consumes the place
it consumes Us
we are inside it
it is inside us
We are One
Unity in totality
Our thoughts are Its thoughts
It knows us
It guides us
To knowing
Truth
Love
Infinity

Free For All

I had made a comment on Facebook about how I have so much to say but don't seem to be able to verbalize. One of my good friends there, Johnny Linehan (I call him "Sir Sean") had suggested that I just start writing a free-form poem with no regard to sentence structure or even if it makes sense. So this is what I'm going to do here. And thank you so much, Sir Sean! <3


There are times
when so much is happening
that you just wonder where the order is in it all
Yes, out of chaos comes order
And when things are seeming to be falling apart, they're actually coming together
But in the meantime
in the midst of it all
you just wonder if there really is any sense to it


My spiritual path is so twisty-turny
i have no idea where it's leading me
i guess i don't want to know
i guess it's okay if i don't know
but i do know that one day it will lead me to the right place
no matter where that is no matter when that is
there will be satisfaction for me
joy
peace
Love
home.

Selfish

I can be so incredibly selfish. Sometimes I wish I could be alone with all the things I need and want for a week or a month so I can do whatever I want, when I want. Plus blogger is now demanding that I entitle each of my blog entries, which I really don't want to do, and so that just adds to the frustration.

Of course, there are alternatives to the things I could do. I just don't feel like doing anything else.

But such is life.

Namaste'

Inner Awareness #2

Well, this Inner Awareness thing really has caught my interest. I've been watching several of Swamiji's videos (admittedly, none today yet) and they seem like they're laying the groundwork for something fabulous in my future.

I hope I can get brave enough to go forward towards it and actually GO.

Inner Awakening #1

I am going to Inner Awakening.
I am going to Inner Awakening.
I am going to Inner Awakening!!


Inner Awakening!!